Of late, I’ve been having conversations with my queer friends around a subject that feels, for want of a better word, uncomfortable: loneliness. On one hand, as humans, the online world means we’re more connected than at any other point in history. As an LGBTQ+ community, we’re often told we’ve found our “chosen family”, and for many people that’s wonderfully true. Yet, on the other hand, many of us have never felt more alone. 

Loneliness is surprisingly common among queer people. Whether it’s rejection from family, moving away to find acceptance, relationship breakdown, ageing, body image pressures, the transactional nature of dating apps, or simply feeling like you don’t quite belong, loneliness can quietly creep into our lives. 

It’s also worth distinguishing between loneliness and social isolation, because they aren’t the same thing. Social isolation is objective – you have few social contacts or interactions. Loneliness is subjective – it’s the distressing feeling that your social relationships aren’t as meaningful or fulfilling as you’d like them to be. You can feel lonely in a crowded room, or perfectly content living alone. Loneliness is about a lack of connection. 

But for me, here’s the important thing: loneliness isn’t just an emotion. It’s a health issue, and one that’s worryingly becoming more and more common. 

From an evolutionary perspective, this makes perfect sense. Humans have evolved as social animals. In ancient times, being separated from the group wasn’t simply unpleasant; it was dangerous. Isolation increased the risk of injury, starvation and predation. Many scientists believe our brains still interpret prolonged loneliness as a potential threat, activating biological stress responses that were designed for short-term survival rather than months or years of disconnection. That response begins in the brain but doesn’t stay there. 

Mental health

Over time, this can send your stress hormones haywire, impair sleep, increase blood pressure, alter metabolism and reduce our ability to cope with day-to-day life. Research also suggests loneliness is linked with changes in immune function and low-grade chronic inflammation, which can have a knock-on effect in terms of risk of heart disease, type 2 diabetes and other long-term health conditions. 

Large population studies involving hundreds of thousands of people have consistently shown that loneliness and social isolation are associated with poorer physical and mental health, and an increased risk of premature death. Part of this is also because loneliness doesn’t exist in isolation; it can trigger a cascade of unhealthy behaviours (like increased drinking and smoking, and reduced physical activity) which also contribute negatively.

Many friendships are built around nightlife in our twenties and thirties, but what happens when those environments no longer fit? Dating apps can provide connection, but they can also leave us feeling more rejected than accepted. Social media constantly presents curated versions of other people’s seemingly perfect friendships, relationships and bodies, making it all too easy to feel like everyone else has found something we’re missing. 

And then there’s minority stress – the chronic strain of living with stigma, discrimination or concealment of identity – which can also make it harder to form trusting relationships and may amplify feelings of loneliness. Even after coming out, those experiences don’t simply disappear. 

Quality over quantity

The reassuring news is that loneliness isn’t a personal failing, and it isn’t something we simply have to accept. The evidence increasingly suggests that the quality of our relationships matters more than the quantity. One trusted friend you can genuinely confide in is likely to be more protective than hundreds of online followers. Small, consistent acts of connection: joining a choir, volunteering, playing sport, reconnecting with old friends, attending community groups or simply checking in with someone over a coffee can all help rebuild meaningful social networks over time.

As a doctor, I spend a lot of time talking about cholesterol, blood pressure, vaccines and screening tests. They’re all incredibly important. But health isn’t just about what’s happening inside our arteries or our blood test results. It’s also about whether we feel seen, valued and connected to other people. 

Perhaps it’s time we stopped treating loneliness as something to hide. Maybe we need to remind ourselves that community is about connection, rather than just being included, and there are many who don’t feel seen. So, reach out to someone today… you never know how much they might need it. 

Signs of loneliness 

What are the signs that you might be lonely rather than socially isolated? Here are five things to ask yourself: 

• Do you feel emotionally disconnected, even around other people? Are you feeling genuinely seen? 
• Do your social interactions make you feel drained, rather than nourished and satisfied? 
• Are you finding yourself withdrawing, even though you crave connection? 
• Have you noticed negative changes in your mood or body (e.g. poor sleep)? 
• Do you feel like no one would notice if you weren’t around? 

If you find yourself answering yes to most of these questions, then it’s time to speak to someone about it. One thing I want you to remember: persistent loneliness isn’t a personal failing. It’s a signal – like hunger or thirst – that our need for meaningful human connection isn’t being met. Recognising it is the first step towards doing something about it. 

This is a feature appearing in the September/October 2026 issue of Attitude, available on digital platforms and in print now.